Guest Post by Susie and Otto Collins
It was late in the evening nearly two years into trying unsuccessfully to have
a baby when Amy just started screaming at her husband Rick…
…”I’m sick of wanting a baby and not being able to have one and I’m sick of you not wanting to talk about it and when I try, it ends up in a fight.”
Wanting a baby and trying month, after month, after month to have one without success…Can be painful, frustrating and just plain crazy-making for two people whose emotions are boiling over and spilling out in hurtful ways at each other when they aren’t getting what they both want–A Baby…
Especially if they can’t talk about it without a fight.
If you’re struggling with infertility and your partner shuts off a discussion or even bringing up the topic—and you want to keep the lines of communication open about having a baby…
You can feel alone and afraid that you’ll never have the family you want and that your relationship will never be the same.
Before you go any further, take a few moments to quiet your “what if” mind and ask yourself a few questions…
–Why do you want your partner to talk about it?
–What will it give you if he or she is willing to calmly talk about infertility?
–What are you hoping will happen?
–Are you willing to listen to an opinion that’s not in alignment with what you want to happen?
When you answer those questions for yourself, you’ll know your true motivation for talking about infertility and your openness to possibly hearing something you may or may not want to hear.
There could be all sorts of reasons why someone holds back and doesn’t want to talk about this emotional hot button issue–
–It might be that he or she carries a lot of feelings of guilt, blame and being a failure.
–It might be that this is too emotional for him or her to talk about.
–There might be a feeling of overwhelm and resignation and he or she is at a loss about what to do about the inability to conceive.
Whatever is the reason, it’s all based on fear.
It may be that they think you won’t like what they have to say, they’ll say the “wrong” thing or it might hurt your feelings so they close down and say nothing.
It may be that they don’t want to “open that can of worms” because it always ends in a disagreement or fight.
It may be they think it will all blow over or conception will happen if infertility is ignored.
It may be that they don’t want to be vulnerable, even with you.
It may be that they have some things to work out inside them before talking with you.
And, it may have nothing to do with you and this situation.
So what do you do when your partner doesn’t want to talk about infertility and you do?
Go back to your answers to the first set of questions we gave you…
If your motivation is to get your way and get YOUR point across (be honest now because we all want to get our way)…
Take the focus off yourself and this situation.
Instead, look toward connecting with your partner. Recognize you will have thoughts that come and go but just keep coming back to the desire to connect.
Show up and open yourself to not just hearing what you want to hear but hearing what’s inside your partner, no matter how painful it might be for you.
When someone feels safe enough, understood enough and connected enough, there can be an opening toward an honest exchange. Yes, honest communication can really happen and it can simpler than it is right now.
When you relax and take the pressure off getting pregnant and just connect in ways you used to connect… Possibilities you couldn’t see otherwise open up when love replaces fear.
When you have the willingness to approach your loved one with an open heart and mind, miracles can happen—in more ways than one.
Susie and Otto Collins are Relationship Coaches who want you to know that relationships and communication don’t have to be a struggle. Go here for free videos, articles and ebooks about how to bring more ease into your relationships and life.—https://susieandotto.com
