Guest Post by Susie and Otto Collins
Two different people can be in the same situation and have two very different reactions, especially around infertility.
For example, one of you might be trying to read everything you can about the topic and want to engage your partner in discussions…
The other might immerse himself or herself in work or some other activity and not want to discuss it, even to the point of ignoring that there’s a problem.
The clash happens when one or both of you think your way of handling the inability to have a baby is the best way.
When you’re at odds in your reactions to a situation like this and think the other person should react the same way you do…
It can quickly turn into one of you coming off as “controlling” and the other as too “passive,” creating resentment, blame and distance in your relationship.
If you’re noticing that one or both of you is trying to control this very uncontrollable situation of getting pregnant in whatever way you tend to react…
Whether you feel like you’re being controlled or your partner has accused you of being controlling…
Here are 3 new ways to look at the whole idea of “control” in a different way so you can get out of the loop and move toward love more quickly…
- Control is made up.
It probably comes as no surprise…
Whether you get pregnant or not is a completely uncontrollable situation.
You may or may not also have discovered that you can’t control what your partner believes or how he or she reacts to infertility.
An attempt to “control” either your partner or getting pregnant comes from the thought that you’ll get what you want if the other person acts in a certain way.
The truth is that “control” is what you make up to help you feel “in charge” of the situation or “safe”…
But this is a false way to find safety or even peace.
There is no controlling any situation…
And the other person can’t control you.
When you believe you have to control the situation in order to feel better (in whatever way you or your partner try to do it)…
You become tight and constricted in mind and body and choices narrow even more than they had been.
Until there’s a clear, settled mind, you or your partner aren’t open to possibilities that have been hidden until that time.
The tightness of trying to control a person or a situation constricts and actually stands in the way of what you want to have happen which is getting pregnant.
It also certainly stands in the way of love and connection.
- When you’re trying to control a situation or another person’s behavior or you feel like you’re being controlled, there’s usually blame and insecure thinking behind it.
If there ever was a relationship challenge where insecure thinking reared its ugly head, it’s infertility.
Even when a couple starts out not blaming one another, if one of you buys into taking the blame with thoughts like “it’s all my fault” or “I’m not good enough”…
Or thinking “It’s all your fault”…
One or both of you will attempt to control the other and the result is distance, disconnection and conflict.
If you can step back from your situation for just a moment and “see” the dynamic between the two of you…
You can very easily see if it’s getting you what you want and decide if you want to keep doing what you both have been doing.
When you make the choice that you no longer want get the same result you’ve been getting by doing the same thing over and over…
You can choose to not react from the past or a fearful future but rather from the present moment and love and kindness.
This love and kindness is always there inside all of us and we just have to tap into it.
- You do have a choice.
You may not have a choice about whether you get pregnant or not—or how your partner reacts to this situation but you do have a choice about one thing…
You can choose not to react from a place of fear.
When you don’t believe your churning negative thoughts about the past or the future and allow them to take over…
You can make a choice to show up as love, even during the tough times and stay open to possibilities.
You can make the choice to be loving to your partner as well as to yourself.
You can make the choice to be an invitation rather than trying to control or react to what you perceive as controlling words or behavior.
You can deal with your infertility issues with kindness instead of fear.
Susie and Otto Collins are Relationship Coaches who want you to know that relationships and communication don’t have to be a struggle. Go here for free videos, articles and ebooks about how to allow more ease in your relationships and life.—https://susieandotto.com
